Much has been said about the lack of the man’s qualifications, about his thin skin, his vitriol, his general heinousness. But none of those aspects will be the focus of this article. Rather, the aim is to discuss a possible, blood-boiling, bowel-watering future in which Donald Trump somehow — despite the concerted efforts of every American voter capable of basic empathy — wins the election. To cut to the chase (spoiler alert): Trump won’t be America’s last President; he’ll be the second-to-last. The last President, whose name history will swallow up and shit into the scummy drain of oblivion, will inherit a highly destabilized economy, a military in revolt, and a population divided against itself.
The well-being of the entire world and the future of billions of people depend upon the results of this upcoming election. This author is sure that a Trump Presidency will be the most horrifying disaster to ever befall the civilized world, second only to the mind-shattering, city-leveling consequences of that darkest day in history.
How can I be so sure? Here’s something you might not know about me:
I have the gift of prophecy.
An oracle visited me in dreams, and foretold in no uncertain terms the exact depth and consistency of the diarrhea tornado we’re about to unleash upon a planet undeserving of such mindless hate.
Here are 5 reasons why Donald Trump must never be President of these United States.
The Pan Virus
Around 2024-5 (in the wake of the Apocalypse, we won’t be sure, exactly) a virus will tear through China and other parts of East Asia, reducing the vast majority of the population to bed-ridden husks of their former selves. The same will happen in the Middle East and Europe, and northern Africa. Then, suddenly, all of the infected will appear to recover. Then they’ll die. Quickly, by the hundreds of thousands. But they won’t stay dead.
The infected will pour through cityscapes and countrysides, laying waste to farmhouse and skyscraper alike. The Pan Virus will spring up and, left unchecked by an isolationist America, will devastate the world; 99% of humanity will be extinguished in just a few short years. Perhaps, if America had intervened, as it had during both World Wars, a united world coalition might have been strong enough to quell the Pan Virus before it’s too late. Instead, the developed nations of the world, leaderless, will dissolve into anarchy.
The Collapse of American Society
The Pan Virus will arrive on the American East Coast in the middle of 2027. The United States will follow the same pattern of descent into terror as all those nations that fell before us. We, however, will be totally alone. With the whole world dark, our way of life will be utterly wiped out.
Decades of Starving Survivalism
Any survivors will have to contend not only with the roving hordes of zombies, they’ll also be faced with other bands of humans. Trust and loyalty will be hard, if not impossible, to come by, leading to an ever more pronounced in-group, out-group, us-versus-them mentality. Thus, the last dregs of humanity will form pseudo-democracies and kingdoms as they see fit, warring with each other, unable to find common ground. Greed will be the only common denominator.
The Virus Will Only Grow Stronger
The zombies will continually evolve, growing ever faster, stronger, and smarter with time, until we are barely able to distinguish them from us… until it’s too late. The Sleepers can infect entire settlements before anyone will even realize they’re there. Actually, most human factions will outright refuse to acknowledge that the Pan Virus has transformed into something much worse: the Vox Humana Virus (VHV). Loyal readers of this blog will remember the elegant introduction to this hellscape, written by Silas Jackson.
The Advent of the Last Great War
The final Republic on Earth (Sacramento), will face nuclear annihilation at the hands of a gang of inbred, extremely well-armed, and desperate, psychopathic super soldiers.The new war will rage through every town; the streets will run red with blood. Afterward, the Bag Men, who’ve served for four decades as the ruthless protectors of the final vestiges of the human race, will be forced to gun down and incinerate the remains of many of us.
The wars won’t end until the dregs of humanity are swept away, leaving behind only a spoiled Earth. Our planet will restore its delicate balance with time, with the passage of countless millennia. We, however, won’t be there to see it.
Forget about the New American Century! Welcome, reader, to the last human century. And this is what will come to pass, should Donald Trump serve even one day as President of these United States. Thus was it written; thus shall it be.
Thanks for reading! For a more in-depth and hauntingly entertaining look into what the future holds in store for us in the wake of a Donald Trump Presidency, click here.