Trouble carving out a niche for yourself in your particular marketplace? Tired of every blog pushing you to try those same old “tried and true methods,” like creating “fresh, new content,” “Choos[ing] a Competitive Advantage,” or reaching out to your customers through social media in an effort to make it look like you give a solitary crap about any one of them? Luckily, you’re about to learn how to build up your business in a very real and powerful way: by tearing down anyone audacious enough to impede your path up the small business or corporate ladder.
Is this not America, I ask you? You definitely deserve that gilded toilet seat, and your wife must have her nether-regions bejazzled. And, in the proud tradition of Real America (hell yeah), we advocate strongly for the right to assert our own needs and desires. Before all others. Violently, if deemed necessary. Today, we’re going to teach you our secrets.
Everyone else is telling you to beat the competition by being a savvier marketer, having an Search Engine Optimized (SEO) website, etc. But, obviously, no matter what business you’re into (and, don’t worry, we won’t ask), the ideal way to thrive in this digital age is to eliminate any threats to your market niche, one way or another. Read on for 3 quick tricks to kill your competition.
1. The Old Bear-Trap-in-the-Stairwell Trick
To the uninitiated free market capitalist, this method can at first seem a little dicey. True, it requires a lot of skill and quite a bit of luck, but if you manage to get the timing just right, you can be sure that your competitor won’t know what hit him. This aggressive bid, if successful, will definitely clear up any issues you might be having on a local level, whether you’re frustrated at the tenacity of your competitor’s low pricing, or his consistently excellent customer service.
Rest assured, having to out-compete this person through traditional means is now a thing of the past. Just follow these few, simple steps.
- Buy, or otherwise procure, a bear trap
- Locate your competitor. Preferably, find him at his place of residence
- Stand at the top of the stairwell, waiting for him to exit his apartment
- If he happens to live in a private home, you’ll have to get creative: find him at work; impersonate one of his close friends and invite him to a friendly night of poker at a pre-designated location; explain that you plan to treat him to the services of an experienced street-walker and all he needs to do is come to X address, bringing with him any cash, credit cards, jewelry and other salable items he might think to barter with; etc., and so on.
- Arm bear trap
- At the appropriate time, when he is right below you, drop bear trap, face-down
Important: exit promptly. Innocent bystanders and police agents, alike, have been found by our researchers to be notoriously unhelpful concerning any misunderstood attempts of entrepreneurs like yourself to engage in a bit of playful spring cleaning.
2. The “You’re a wizard, Harry”
If you know, or happen to be, a wizard, then, first of all: congratulations! Upon your departure from the mortal coil, Moloch will not eat your soul in His black harvest, wracking your essence upon the spokes of the abysmal Wheel of Fate that is ever-turning, ever-churning forth the miasma that even now poisons Creation. Secondly, you should know that, as one of the universe’s gatekeepers, the last line of defense betwixt the world you love and every tentacled monstrosity that ever crawled forth from the seeping Caesarian that begat the Void, you can use magic to your advantage. Neat, huh?
All you need to do is learn a little ditty called, among other forbidden and hexing names, Scarm’s Feathered Manipulator and, voila!, the competition will be entirely obliterated by the greatest army of geese the world has ever known, or will ever know in all the days to come unto the breaking of the world.
- Be a wizard (or, acquaint one)
- Have a strong understanding of the esoteric forces that govern, manipulate, and preserve/unravel the integrity of the very fabric of space and time
- Cast spell: “Scarm’s Feathered Manipulator”
- Direct your great and terrible Flock of Flocks at the seat of your enemy’s power (be it his place of business, corporate headquarters, grandmother’s retirement home, or what have you)
- Your heart as vile and putrid as the festering teat of the Chaos Hog, laugh mightily as the geese commit themselves to suicide in honor of your magnificent, unending glory
- Watch as the geese crash into the building, destroying it by its very foundations
- OPTIONAL: make a quip, something like, “Next time, you foot the bill,” or, “A fowl trick, indeed! Ha! Ha!”
Important: To witness this technique in action, click here.
3. The Workout Buddy
If all else fails, this final method is sure to work and, best of all, leaves you free and clear of any possible connection to the incident. In addition, if successfully executed (we never do, nor will, apologize for puns) in high style, you may even reap unexpected rewards, such as inheriting your one-time opponent’s entire business venture. Talk about a hostile takeover!
Note that this technique requires that you be able to stomach the presence of your competition for at least several hours every week (and possibly weekend). Should you find yourself utterly unable to even look your fellow man in the eye, we advise you re-examine and/or re-attempt one of the above two options.
- Befriend your nemesis, he who by his mere proximity to you causes your stomach juices to reach their boiling point
- Invite your new “friend” to the gym
- Volunteer to be his spotter
- Encourage him to take on more weight
- More weight! No pain no gain
- Don’t be a little bitch
- Step back
- Do not provide adequate spotter services
- Wait until the burden becomes too much
- Listen to him plead for help
- Watch the bar fall
- Stare deep into his eyes as the last flickerings of the flame of mortality dissipate, leaving him a lifeless husk of his once vivacious self
- Lament, briefly, the end of your blood feud
- Call the authorities
- Leave the gym
- OPTIONAL: raise a mug in salutation of your great foeman’s end
- OPTIONAL: incite the occupants of that dank bar to a ragged cheer in recognition of your final victory
- “Shoo” away the haunting visage of your competitor when he torments you in your nightmares
- Do not suffer the fevered, imagined remnants of his animus to stop you from enjoying your new Jacuzzi
To catch this technique in action, find a personal account here.
The closer your relationship with your competitor, the better. Try playing hacky-sack, going for long walks at the park together, watching romantic comedies, and/or laughing ’til you cry. The closer you become, the more likely he will be to whisper in your ear, in confidence, the login info for his children’s trust funds. The sign of ultimate trust is learning the nickname he gave his genitals, you are a shoe-in. At this point, you can rest assured that you are the primary (or perhaps sole) beneficiary of your competitor’s will. You may either pawn off your new possessions for videogame or blow money, or burn it all down out of spite.
There you have it: 3 quick tricks to eliminate your competition that will no doubt prove far more effective than any sissy-assed marketing advice you’ll find in the usual blogs crowding Google’s top Search Engine Result Pages (SERPs). “Define your brand” — we answer with an unyielding cackle. Now, we invite you to go out there and “kill it.”
Questions? Did we miss any horrendous sins to immediately increase material wealth at the cost of chipping away at one’s already irreversibly tarnished soul? Reach out to us: firstname.lastname@example.org